After making his move from Linfield..............................The season starts and Peter T scores 4 goals in his first game! He is instantly a hero among the County faithful. Full of beans, he rings his Mum to share the good news:

"Ma, Ma" he says excitedly. " I scored 4 fecking goals so I did! The fans love me so they do!"

His Mum retorts, "Well thats just fecking wonderful so it is boy! And while u have been kickin a fecking ball around, yer sister has been shot, yer brother has been arrested and yer Da was murdered on the way home from the pub so he was! There is a feckin riot going on outsoide and some fecker just threw a petrol bomb thru me parlour window! Yer a selfish little shite so yer are!"

Distraught, Peter shamefully confesses "Ah Ma, Ma am sooo sorry so I am! I never tort!!! Am really really sorry so I am!"

"Sorry? Sorry?" Shouts his Mum. "Its your feckin fault we moved to feckin Stockport in the forst place yer little shoite!"

I'll get me coat!

Gav